Past/Future

I was reading through my old blog and my god I was completely depressed for most of 2010. It actually kind of made me sad to see the things I wrote. A lot of similarities from when I was going through my divorce actually. Kind of made me wonder if I even learned anything. I feel like life has a funny way of throwing you the same shit if you don't learn your lesson the first time.

Then I got curious and found my old livejournal that I had while I was in college. Very interesting stuff. I was such a kid. Maybe I still am in some ways! idk

Sometimes I wonder how I'm going to look back on this blog in 10 years. Will I be content? I feel like I've grown a lot, especially within the last few years. I don't want to be sad when I look back on my life. I think I have a lot to be proud of and I am happy with where I'm going. I don't really have much of a plan for the rest of my life except to just try to be happy. I think that's the most important thing.

2019 Update

Me at Cabrillo National Monument, overlooking the Pacific Ocean

It's time for my yearly update! Hahaha. Just kidding, kind of. I've been living in San Diego for a year now and I'm beginning to really enjoy it. I do miss home (Hawaii), but I think that's normal. For now, I think I'll stay. It's a bit expensive, but welp, so is Hawaii. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm doomed to move from place to place for the rest of my life, but maybe San Diego will feel more like home one day.

But for the most part, I'm very happy with my first year in San Diego. I've met a lot of great people and I've done so many things for the first time. Hopefully I find the time and motivation to eventually blog about it! But briefly, I joined and participated in a Gals that Brunch meet-up, went fishing on a boat for the first time, learned how to ski, made my first floral arrangement, and got into houseplants (rip to those that were not strong enough to make it in my house).

I did live without internet for a whole year! But I just recently moved to a new apartment to be closer to work (plus, it's cheaper). So, I caved and got internet/wifi. So excited to be able to watch netflix on my tv now! #thelittlethings

Cheers to another year!

2018 Update

Iconic view of Mt. Fuji from Chureito Pagoda

It's been a while since my last blog post. Hmm.  Now that 2017 is over, I can officially say that it was one of the worst years of my liiiiife. I've never been so heartbroken in my short life. Haha. Sometimes it was too much. But 2017 was also pretty amazing in other ways. I'm glad that it happened while I was in Okinawa. I'm super grateful that I got to travel around Asia. Not as much as I wanted to, but at the same time, it seemed like I was always going somewhere. So, I guess I'm just a brat.

I'm actually in San Diego now. I wanted to move so desperately while I was in Okinawa, but now that I'm finally here, I'm realizing that healing won't come as easily as I thought. I tried to come here with realistic expectations, but haha, you never really know what something will be like until it happens or you're there. I like the area and my new job seems like it could be fulfilling. But sometimes I am scared that I will never be happy and I will spend the rest of my life trying to find my place in this world. But for now, I'm trying to be open minded and not worry so much about that kind of stuff. Trying to make a small home and life here and I'm just trying to enjoy the small things and take things slowly. All while trying not to go bankrupt paying this ridiculous rent. lol #dead

I feel like I have a lot of time on my hands lately. I cut the cord years ago for cable and tv. But I'm trying this new thing where I am living without INTERNET. If you know me, you're probably pretty shocked right now. But it's been a couple weeks that I haven't had internet at home and I'm actually surviving. I used to bingewatch Netflix after work and that's IT. If I want to watch an episode of something, I just watch it on my phone while eating a meal. And if I need my laptop for anything, I just use my phone as a hotspot. There are some things I miss, but I'm super surprised by how well I'm doing without. I'm not sure what I'm going to do when I get my household goods from Okinawa though. Like what am I going to do with my TV? I am thinking about buying a cheap antenna off Amazon so it's not completely useless. Haha.

Anyway, hopefully I will use some of this extra free time to update my blog more often. I have a lot things to write about. About my travels around Okinawa, Mainland Japan, and other parts of Asia. About how music helped me cope with certain things. How certain music still invokes a bunch of feelings about certain periods of my life. And I want to write about my current life because I feel like it will help this transition of trying to make SD my new home. So stay tuned and cross your fingers that I'll actually keep blogging!

And I'm curious about what y'all have been up to lately! Let me know by commenting on this post or reach out to me via instagram!

Cape Zanpa (Yomitan, Okinawa, Japan)

cape zanpa lighthouse

catch fish, not feelings!

beautiful water

cape zanpa cliffs

I really love Okinawa and how beautiful this island is. It's truly a special place. It reminds me of Hawaii in some ways, which is nice, but it's also very different.

I live about 30 minutes away from this location, but only been here maybe twice? I only come here when people are visiting out of town. I like to take people to Zakimi Castle Ruins, which is nearby. The stones used to build the castle walls came from coral along the coast and you can actually see where they cut out the coral during low tide in some places in Yomitan! Also, Zakimi Castle also has a nice view of that side of the island, so it just makes sense to see these things one after the other.

Anyway, this day was particularly nice. The sun was out and it was hot and humid. The last time I came to Cape Zanpa was in December and it was overcast and cold. I guess it depends on your preference, but I actually live for hot and humid summers, even though I complain the whole time. I rather it be super hot than super cold. But I feel like I'm in the minority on that one. And on especially hot days, I find myself wishing for winter. Haha. Maybe I'm just a complainer.

In addition to the nice views here, there is also a small exhibit with goats and chickens and also a really huge Shisa dog that is good for photo ops! You can also go to the top of the lighthouse for a small fee.

Forgiveness

At peace in Kyoto

So, I've been thinking a lot lately (if you couldn't already tell)! But I've been putting myself first lately, asking for what I want and not settling for anything less than what I think I deserve. Doesn't everybody though? At least I think that what everyone probably tells themselves. I'm not sure. I think I really became conscious of it when I was having problems in my marriage. I realized that what Dallin was asking me to be okay with would make me miserable. And it is the reason why we decided on divorce. Sometimes it feels like I'm being selfish. Like, maybe if I were someone else, she would be okay with it and she would still be married. But you know what? I'm me and I think I know myself best. Plus, I don't consider it to be selfish. I think of it more as an act of self-preservation or self-love or self-care. Whatever you want to call it.

I have actually never thought that Dallin was a bad person, but I think I did feel some anger. Wondering how he could even ask me to be okay with basically being in a miserable situation. Like, how could he? I understood where he was coming from, and I actually think his reasoning for it is commendable (even though I didn't agree with how he wanted to go about things). However, I still went through waves of sadness and anger, especially for the first month.

Anyway, it's still pretty rough on me even now. But I'm doing better. I recently just realized that sometimes two people are just on two different journeys. It is sad to ask for something you want/need and to get shot down, but to make it hurt less, and to let go of anger, it is important to realize that the other person has wants and needs, too. And in the same way that it's not selfish for me to protect my happiness, it is not selfish for them to protect their happiness, too. Dallin's main reasoning (I think) was to be a better father to his daughter. I didn't agree with the way he wanted to go about it, but it does not make him a bad person for trying to do what he thinks is best. He needed to do this for himself and I needed to leave the marriage for myself and my own happiness. And when I think of it in that way, it is easier to forgive.

And I think that was a hard lesson to learn, but so important. It actually took me a while to figure it out. Actually, I only figured it out after I stopped seeing someone that I met here in Okinawa (and who I really liked, but it doesn't matter any more). I was sick of the "are we" or "are we not" thing, and so I asked to be exclusive or to not see each other anymore and he was basically like, "it's gonna break my heart to never be able to talk to you again." And I was honestly so angry at first for feeling like I wasted all that time. But idk. I still don't know his reasoning for it, but it really doesn't matter because it's not my journey. I learned some hard lessons from that, for which I'm grateful. And I actually feel like he did me a favor when I think back on it. For peace of mind, it's better to try to understand and then let go and forgive. Because holding onto anger and the "should'ves" or "could'ves" is just torturing yourself. Take the lessons, forgive, and move on in peace.

And forgiveness doesn't mean that you necessarily want to talk to them again. You can forgive someone and still let them go. It's really something that you're doing for yourself, in my opinion. I can't imagine holding onto all that initial anger/sadness from my divorce for years/decades. It's been so rough on me in just these last 7 or so months that I'm pretty sure I would be a completely miserable person if I didn't learn how to let that shit go. I mean, I still get sad about it when I think back on happier memories, but I think that's normal... And I think that it'll take time for those feelings to subside. I'm just so glad that I am not harboring hateful thoughts about it or resentment. I just want to move on and to be happy. Happiness will always be the goal.

I'm curious about what other people feel about this topic. Feel free to comment with any thoughts!